DO YOU LOVE YOU?

How do you love yourself in a society that constantly bombards you with messages like, “You must have the perfect body, the perfect skin complexion, the perfect career, the perfect relationship, and the perfect life.” This ideology is further exacerbated by a media culture that preys on fear, and an advertising culture that strives to make you feel small unless you’re up to date with all of the latest trends.

Unfortunately, many of us will not love ourselves until we lose the weight, get the raise, get the relationship, or whatever else we believe we lack.  In other words, we often put conditions on our self-love and self-worth.

When I talk about loving ourselves, I am speaking of having a deep appreciation for who we are. I am talking about loving the skin you’re in, the body you have, and accepting all of the things in your life that you may or may not have control of.

Through self-love, we accept all the different parts of ourselves—our little weirdness, the embarrassments, the things we may not do so well, and all the wonderful qualities, too.  We accept our ‘whole’ package with love.

 MY REBIRTH EXPERIENCE

I remember when I went through a self-love transformation because I did not love myself.  I looked for love in men, success, money, clothes, my looks, and many outward things.  But none of it made me love myself.  I was a ‘hot mess.

Then one day, I had a Divine awakening and I finally came to myself.

At that moment, I was broke financially; I was living in a new city where I didn’t know anyone; and I had just ended a long-tumultuous relationship with a person who only gave me crumbs of love, rather than a full meal.

I felt alone. I was so disappointed. And I grieved, daily. It was sort of like I was experiencing a death. I grieved for months.  I felt the pain of grief so deep within my heart.  It felt as if I had loss someone I loved dearly. Little did I know, I was dying a death of rediscovery.  I had lost myself.  But what I had lost, did not compare to what I had gained after this experience.

I was shedding so many layers of rejection and unworthiness that I had felt for so long.  However, the best part of me was discovered in that ‘dark’ and ‘scary’ season of my life.  I finally found me.

Life had forced me to find the treasure within me during one of the loneliest seasons of my life. This treasure was buried underneath so much pain and frustration.

 WHAT I LEARNED

One of the most beautiful truths about the human experience is that it’s never too late to become the man or woman you truly are. You can begin healing, growing, and flourishing now.  But doing so requires the courage and clarity to see yourself as you are, so that you may begin the process of tearing down the walls that you have built up due to rejection, the fear of never being loved, and the feeling of not knowing if someone you love, truly loves you.

HOW I LEARNED TO LOVE MYSELF?

• I learned to accept all of the things I didn’t like about myself.
• I learned to celebrate all of the things I do very well.
• I spent a lot of time reflecting on all of the reasons why I felt that I needed people or a person to make me feel good about myself.
• I stopped pretending to be happy when I wasn’t. (I took the mask off).

• I did not allow myself to date, no matter how lonely I felt. (No ‘booty calls’ and no ‘gap fillers’ to comfort me when I felt alone).
• I spent quality time with myself and less time with people. I needed to finally date myself and get to know me better.
• I dissected the parts of my childhood that were not so good, and how those experiences impacted how I love myself.
• I spent quality time affirming myself.
• I learned to celebrate myself whenever I accomplished something.
• I gave myself permission to grieve the past and let it go.

A SAD TRUTH!

Believe it or not. One of the things that I’ve discovered by many people is, ‘They have never felt loved by anyone.’ Far more people than you’d guess have never truly felt love in their lives. This can have a very profound effect on a person’s self-love journey.  When a person has never felt loved, they struggle to love any part of themselves, or anyone else for that matter.  They feel unlovable. When we’ve never had self-love or felt loved by others, we settle for any crumb of love that someone gives us.

Have you ever had a fear of never finding someone who truly loves you?

You ponder the thought of, “Will I ever find a person who truly loves me?” Many people that I’ve talked to feel this way.  I once felt this way as well.

What I have discovered is, no matter if someone loves you or doesn’t love you, how you love yourself will always matter the most.  Self-love is the key to finding true love.

When my relationship ended, I was devastated but mostly relieved.  Finally, I was free from the crumbs of love I was accepting from this relationship.

For the longest time, I’d craved his love. I needed his approval. And I wanted the happy ending so badly.  Why? Because I felt like I meant something when I was with him. I felt worthy and kind of secure. But I wasn’t. I’d given away all of my power. I was dependent on him to feel love. And he knew it, so he treated me however he wanted.

For him it was a game, and every problem in our relationship somehow always came back to me.  He could have told me anything and I would have accepted it. There wasn’t an ounce of self-respect or self-love in my bones. My misery was born from this very fact.

Then one day, I’d reached my pain threshold.  I was completely done with feeling miserable, doubting myself, and feeling unloved.  I was so over letting someone else control my emotions and self-worth.

I’d begun to love myself a little more than I loved him. A butterfly was emerging from the cold, dark cocoon, I’d been hiding in. It felt new and scary but ridiculously empowering and liberating.

 In a moment of clarity a string of epiphanies melted my confusion:

• Deep love comes from within.
• I choose how I want to feel.
• I’ll never be satisfied just with love from someone else.
• If I don’t authentically love myself, I can’t expect anyone else to truly love me.
• The way I treat myself shows others how I expect to be treated.
• Love for self will not only make you feel beautiful, but you will also look beautiful. Confidence and Self-love are Attractive!

Beloveds, one day, you’ll wonder why you didn’t take the time to fall radically in love with you just a little bit sooner.  It’ll be natural. It’ll flow freely without someone else’s approval. It’ll inspire and nourish you. Your life will be even richer, happier, and more vibrant than ever. I know this for sure, because it happened for me.

Love and Light!

Nancy,

Self-Love Coach and Author